The Air National Guard Years (Or… Why Ted Was Not Meant for the Military)

Before Ted was racing across continents and swimming through freezing oceans, he briefly tried something far more dangerous for everyone involved:

The Air National Guard.

It did not go as planned.

The Flight That Grounded a Future Adventurer

At the time, Ted was juggling life like only Ted could — working days in probate court and attending Westminster Law School at night. Somewhere in the middle of that schedule, he decided enlisting in the Air National Guard sounded like a reasonable addition.

Then came the flight back to the Houston training base.

Mid-air, the plane lost cabin pressure. It landed safely, but nearly everyone onboard got violently sick — including Ted, who was later found in a hospital recovering and swearing off airplanes for quite some time. For a man who would later cross oceans and climb mountains, it was a humbling beginning.

Lowry Air Force Base: Where Ted Discovered His True Talent

Ted was stationed at Lowry Air Force Base in Denver, where his official duties were… well… less memorable than his unofficial specialty:

Practical jokes.

Enter the newest recruit: Gene Pepper, a future attorney who had no idea what he had signed up for.

The Case of the Classified Trash

One day, Ted told Gene to empty all the wastebaskets and take the trash to the garbage truck. Gene dutifully returned and reported:

“Mission accomplished.”

Ted nodded seriously and asked,
“Did you get a receipt for the classified trash?”

There is, of course, no such thing as classified trash.

But Gene didn’t know that.

Moments later, witnesses reported seeing a frantic young airman sprinting across the base, arms flailing, desperately chasing the garbage truck — determined to recover top-secret banana peels and coffee grounds.

Ted considered it a successful leadership exercise.

The Buffer Incident

Later, while on Kitchen Patrol duty, Ted and Gene were tasked with cleaning a massive, gymnasium-sized dining hall. Ted introduced Gene to a floor buffer — a machine large enough to polish floors and possibly launch small aircraft.

Ted instructed Gene to hold the handles while Ted plugged it in.

The second the machine powered on, it yanked Gene into a wild mechanical waltz across the room. Instead of controlling the buffer, Gene was now being dragged by it like a human trailer hitch.

The ride ended when Gene and the industrial buffer crashed through the wall of the highest-ranking officer’s office.

It was, technically, a structural redesign.

The Night Ted Arrested the Wrong Man

Ted’s nighttime job was guarding the base entrance. Most nights were quiet — until one evening, when a car approached and Ted ordered it to halt.

A very irritated uniformed man stepped out and demanded entry. Ted, following regulations to the letter, asked for identification. The man didn’t have papers.

So Ted did what any rule-following guard would do:

He drew his weapon and placed the man face-down, spread-eagle on the hood of his car.

Backup arrived.

Unfortunately, Ted had just arrested the commanding officer of the base, who, according to regulations, was supposed to be recognized on sight.

Ted’s military career was not trending upward.

The Eye Exam That Ended It All

After four months of service, Ted was scheduled for deployment to guard the Autobahn in Germany. Before leaving, he had to undergo a full medical evaluation — including a glaucoma test.

Ted’s eyes were extremely sensitive, and his glasses were famously thick. The glaucoma test required a small device to be pressed directly onto the eyeball.

This did not go well.

It took four men to hold Ted still during the exam. His stress levels went through the roof — and so did the pressure readings in his eyes.

Diagnosis: Glaucoma
Result: Medically disqualified
Outcome: Full Honorable Discharge

Years later, doctors determined Ted never had glaucoma at all. The test itself had spiked his eye pressure so dramatically that it mimicked the condition.

Final Military Record

Ted entered the Air National Guard with no stripes.

He left with no stripes.

But he did leave with:

• A fear of flying

• A legend involving classified trash

• A hole in a base wall

• And the unforgettable distinction of arresting his own commanding officer

In hindsight, the Air National Guard may have lost a recruit…

…but the world of endurance sports gained exactly the right kind of unstoppable mischief-maker.